How To Get Rid Of Malfoy
by citcat299
Summary: Harry's educational guide to getting rid of Malfoy. [ be afraid...be very afraid] please R


I'm bored, so I've decided to write a little comedy piece for fun! :) BEWARE MY PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!!!!!!!!! And enjoy hopefully...  
  
HOW TO GET RID OF MALFOY  
  
Harry's educational guide  
  
As you may already know, having Malfoy around can get extremely annoying and after 5mins on average of his company you would normally feel a wild uncontrollable urge to hurt him in any way possible. Do not worry, this is perfectly normal. I wrote this guide to help those who are forced to suffer Malfoy's company day in and day out. If this guide isn't working for you and you want to take more desperate measures, contact me at Gryffindor tower.  
  
If you are a Slytherin pureblood, then you should have no need for this guide. However, if you are not a Slytherin, and/or are a muggleborn then I suggest you avoid Malfoy at all costs because, despite all evidence against it, he still believes that purebloods are better than muggleborns. This is because he is a thick headed arsehole.

-o-o-o-  
  
**Ways to get rid of Malfoy:**  
  
Tell him that Professor Moody is standing behind him. Because of his fear of being turned into a ferret which Professor Moody has done previously his most common reaction will be to squeal in terror and run as fast as he can in the opposite direction.  
  
Tell Ron Weasley that Malfoy fucked his little sister Ginny. Ron Weasley will then kill him for you. Important Note: remember to find a secure hiding place first, things could get very nasty.  
  
Malfoy has a weird obsession with gelling his hair. Steal all his hair gel, and tell him you left it in the forbidden forest. He will at once run to find it, because he feels insecure when his head doesn't resemble an egg yolk. Hopefully one of the monsters will finish him off, if not, at least you have the time to get to the other end of the school where he can't find you.  
  
Lure away his bodyguards, they are stupid to the extreme and a trail of cake crumbs would probably do the trick, because they are obsessed with food. and bribe a group of Griffindors to beat him up. It probably won't cost you much, because most Griffindors would pray for the chance to beat up a slimy git like Malfoy.  
  
Put a dressing charm on him to dress him up as a girl. Apply a permanent sticking charm so he can't get rid of the clothes. He will never show his face in public again, as he can't stand to be made fun of.  
  
Write a letter to his Father, Lucius Malfoy from him. It could go something like this:  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Please for the love of God take me away from Hogwarts. I want to be a Death eater, just like you, and sacrifice myself to Voldemort. If this is not possible, then PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE at least transfer me to Durmstrang instead.  
  
Your son,  
  
Malfoy  
  
Or an entirely different possibility would go something like this:  
  
Dear Father,  
  
Voldemort is a stupid gay freak and you suck. I think Dumbledore is a better wizard than you or Voldemort will ever be. You're also ugly and stupid and I'm ashamed to be named after you. I am completely gay and proud of it! and in love with Harry Potter. He is beautiful and cute and we are planning to get married. Oh yeah, did I forget to add that I got transferred to Gryffindor and I am now a transvestite.  
Your beautiful gay son,  
  
Malfoy.  
  
They would both be extremely effective and either way, Lucius Malfoy will come to the school and take his son away or kill him. Personally, I would pick the second because I would be rid of him forever and he would also be humiliated at the same time. It's your choice.

P.S. This document is a guide only. If any of these methods prove insufficient or cause problems I will not be held responsible. I repeat for those who have selective hearing; I will not be held responsible for any issues involving this guide.

P.P.S Good luck!

Signed Harry Potter.  
  
Yay I'm finished, finally! Please read and review, thanks! :)


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